Getting through: What’s Working

If you haven’t read about The Crazy, start with this post: Hey y’all. It’s been a while. If you’ve already read it, carry on. Nothin’ to see here. Or read it again. Whatever.

Earmuff it for me if ya don’t like the swears, k?

I was in a pretty bad place. I’m getting out of it, but I’m not out of this yet.

Every day is still an active struggle to not regress and lose the ground I’ve already covered. Some days are better than others in that way. There are definitely days when I want to say “fuck it!” and just stop trying to feel better, because feeling better? That shit takes work, yo.

But by and large, I haven’t done that. And I haven’t eaten my feelings, either. (An impressive feat; feelings are my FAVORITE FOOD!)

So…what’s working? What’s helping? Because I know I’m not the only one slogging through this shit, and I know you might want to try what I’m trying. (Do I need a disclaimer here about not being a doctor and not formally recommending any of this? Take all this with a grain of salt and don’t call me in the morning. Or do, but Sleepy Amy can’t be held responsible for her actions.)

Here’s what’s working:

Supplements! Vitamin D3 to the tune of like 4000 IUI/day (or every-other-day or every few days, depending on how often I remember). We’ll say every-other-day.  Where I live (in the effing snowbelt), winter is usually AWFUL. Color gives way to shades of gray for the better part of three or four months.

The gray makes me SO SAD. It sucks the life out of me.

I need the sunshine. Winter has been mercifully gentle  this year, which I am 100% convinced is the universe throwing me a FRICKING BONE. Because I probably would’ve taken a long drive off a short cliff, had winter been what it usually is.

Anyway, the Vitamin D tricks my body into thinking it’s seen the sun in the last few months. That keeps the crazy from getting CRAZY.

The other supplement I take (again, call it every-other-day or so) is a raw Vitamin B complex. It turns my pee neon yellow (that’s need-to-know info). I started it on the recommendation of a friend. I figure it can’t hurt. I’m not sure how much it helps, but with the Vitamin D, the crazy doesn’t seem so intense.

I’m all about eating what our bodies need. I’m not a huge fan of multi-vitamins or supplements, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do when you’re on the verge of losing your mind, right? On to the next thing…

New Age Hippy Shit! YEAH! Yoga! Breath work! Chakras! Mudras! Chanting!

Stop laughing, I’m not kidding! 

[Disclosure: I'm not 100% sure what chakras or mudras are. #shitIlearnedincollegeandpromptlyforgot]

Kundalini yoga is THE SHIT. It makes me feel like a fucking SUPERHERO. This is not slow, pose-y yoga. See diagram:

Kundalini exorcises the crazy out of my body. (I meant to spell ‘exorcise’ that way!) It’s very breath-based. It makes my body feel good and it clears my mind. Considering I spend an obscene amount of time on the couch, hunched over my computer…this is GOOD. And it’s another example of the universe hooking me up. My teacher, Christine, is AMAZING. This was really a case of right time/right person/right means/right end.

As soon as Christine puts a video together ::wink-wink, nudge-nudge, Christine!::, I’ll share it here. Wrapping words around this is futile and there’s nothing online that captures what she does. Just understand that it is GOOD for me and is helping immensely in keeping me from losing my shit. It’s how I know I still have a happy place.

Ballet. Not “real” ballet. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: I did ballet growing up. I loved it. I stopped when I got to college. The afore mentioned Christine also teaches a ballet-based class (it’s on the floor, not at the barre, and is very, very basic). Ballet makes me happy. Getting good again will make me happier, but for now, I’m glad to be tapping back into something that is graceful and strong. Strong body, strong mind.

The BEST CHIROPRACTOR EVAR in the history of chiropractors. I spent years thinking chiropractors were hacks. (That’s because half of the ones I’ve seen were, in fact, hacks. There are duds in every profession.) A friend raved about her chiro and referred me. We went together and I just clicked with this doctor. She clearly knows her stuff, acted with prudence where I felt she should (like taking x-rays before jacking my spine around), and is wonderfully gentle. I’ve even let her adjust the kidlet, which we’ve never done. I trust this doctor in major ways. And as it turns out, my back is kind of a hot mess. More about that later.

Eating better. August of last year kicked off a bunch of traveling for our family. Traveling=eating crap. At least for us. I fell off the crunchy wagon, hard. I’m back to eating only seafood in restaurants most of the time, eating organic/whole/real foods at home the vast majority of the time, and generally just avoiding bullshit food that makes my body feel awful. Strong body, strong mind. Right? Pretty sure GMOs, hormones, pesticides, and the rest of the horrifying crap that’s in mainstream food isn’t helping me, regardless of whether it’s related to The Crazy.

Feeling good about my body. I’m going to write a whole post about this, but it’s worth noting here, too. I feel better in my own skin than I probably ever have before (or have in years, no doubt). That’s an easy pick-me-up.

ETA 2/26/12: Another easy pick-me-up? Giggle from Sweet Knee. It smells like happy to me. I steam up the bathroom with it when I shower and have a spray bottle of it diluted with water that I spray on myself.  Aromatherapy FTW! (Sweet Knee used to be an advertiser on JWOC, many moons ago when I still did advertising here. I ordered this & paid for it, though, and am in no way being compensated or asked to mention it.)

Sleep. I sleep as much as I need to. I don’t ever feel bad about that. Our whole family makes this a priority, because when I don’t sleep, I go off the frigging deep end AND I get mean. I need a solid eight hours every night to keep from turning into a homicidal maniac. So, Josh gets up with Ava on the weekends (which is still sleeping in for him, since that’s like 8:30-9:30). On weekdays, I sleep until I’m ready to be awake. Ava wakes up before me most days (she still sleeps in our bed) and Sleepy Amy turns on PBS for her then flops back over and goes back to sleep. It works for us.

Drugs and alcohol! No, seriously. I’m no longer drinking my face off, which is obviously a good thing. I was drinking to numb myself from The Crazy and because it was fun. While drinking as much as I did probably wasn’t necessary, having fun was good. (And it was fun!)

And drugs. A little crack keeps the crazy away! KIDDING. But a little clonazepam (and I do mean a little) to take the edge off of the anxiety and just RELAX helped immensely on the couple occasions that I took it. Having a few of those on-hand is like a prescription drug security blanket: if I need it, it’s there.

Blogging. I quit blogging after I broke my site last July. I had NO idea how important, therapeutic, and cathartic it is. The post where I initially discussed The Crazy was months in the making. I had to put the site together enough to publish first, which I just couldn’t bring myself to do for a long time. Then I had to wait until the words presented themselves, which took a while. Finally, it all came out like word vomit (like the Mean Girls reference?).

What I’m NOT doing: therapy. No shrink. I have no aversion to therapy/psychologists/psychiatrists. That’s actually not true. I didn’t want to be prescribed meds to get out of this (though I may well have needed them). I need to feel whatever I’m feeling, even if it is fucking awful. I could go down the therapy road, I just don’t want to. No reason in particular. And I’m making enough progress now that I don’t feel compelled to go that way.

So that’s about the long and short of it. I’m still a little withdrawn. I’m still anxious sometimes. I’m probably out of the thick of it, though, and getting better each week (in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way, but I’ll take it). There’s much more to be said about this, so feel free to let me know if you have questions or are wondering about something.

Also: THANK YOU.  For the comments, emails, Facebook messages, tweets, texts….you all are AMAZING. You lift me up. We lift each other up. Judging by the number of hands that went up with a resounding “ME, TOO” when I originally posted about The Crazy, I am not the only one slogging through this shit. I’m SO glad we’re talking about it. Just letting it air out is good. Hearing from you makes this so much more bearable and I’m beyond happy that we are helping each other. <3
[ETA 2/26/12: Perfect example of how we're not at all alone in this from Sara Lomas. <3] 

Looking for the crazy-b-gone pills? Here are the supplements I mentioned.  And some links to my fabulous yoga accessories. Who doesn’t love those? PS – These are affiliate links, just for funsies.

Vitamin D

raw B complex

LOVE my Lifefactory water bottle. Mines’ blue.

Eco-smart yoga mat. Not the one I have, but close.

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